


Seteth’s exorcising the common room

by bumbleebees



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, M/M, They/Them Pronouns for My Unit | Byleth, claude approves highly of chunko, everybody loves marianne, garreg mach minecraft server boys, i love all of these kids, lorenz has lost his house 7 times, lysithea is usually the one responsible for it, sylvain named chunko, theres dorte and then theres chunko the cat, they probably named all the animals around the monastery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-09-29 20:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20442374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumbleebees/pseuds/bumbleebees
Summary: “ i can’t help being a thot it’s who i am “ - sylvain jose gautier___________kind of a modern au?i’m trying my best to be a good funnylass because this is my first attempt chatfic lets GO





	1. ferdinand von aegir the fifth

**Author's Note:**

> i regret nothing
> 
> golden deer || memeville  
claude - lord of memeville  
hilda - bubblegum bitch  
marianne - forest spirit  
lysithea - eat pant  
leonie - stabbeonie  
lorenz - prune  
raphael - munchables  
ignatz - arrowman
> 
> black eagles || oh god its disco fever  
edelgard - red emperor  
hubert - secretly evanescence?  
ferdinand - i am ferdiedand von ego  
caspar - chaotic gremlin  
linhardt - where’s my bed  
dorothea - distinguished bi  
petra - ocean girl  
bernadetta - sweet lil dandelion
> 
> blue lions || 3am cheese  
dimitri - cheese cruncher  
dedue - the flower king  
sylvain - a gentlelad/foolish thot  
felix - i’ve been impaled  
ashe - street smarts  
ingrid - highflyer  
mercedes - literal angel  
annette - uwo

**[ 3am cheese || 11:06am ]**

**literal angel:** dimitri, did you get butter confused with cheese last night?

**literal angel:** i can’t find any, and i was going to make a cake :(

**highflyer:** okay what the fuck

**cheese cruncher:** that was butter?

**a gentlelad:** you ate butter?

**a gentlelad:** and **didn’t** realise it was butter???

**cheese cruncher:** it was an honest mistake

**street smarts:** i can’t believe it’s butter

**i’ve been impaled:** it wouldn’t be a mistake if you didn’t eat cheese at THREE IN THE MORNING

**cheese cruncher:** cheese can be eaten at any time of the day!!

**highflyer:** yeah but not when it’s melting and also 3am

**uwo:** seriously dimitri what the fuck???

**cheese cruncher:** leave me and my food preferences alone >:(

**a gentlelad:** it could be worse

**a gentlelad:** remember when he ate soap out of the dispenser

**i’ve been impaled:** don’t remind me

**street smarts:** ok what the FUCK

**cheese cruncher:** SYLVAIN PLEASE DO NOT BRING THIS UP

**highflyer:** what’s he gonna eat next

**i’ve been impaled:** the yellow brick road

**literal angel:** do we need to start monitoring dimitri at night?

**literal angel:** i don’t want him to eat a sponge and choke :(

**uwo:** dimitri dies to a sponge

**street smarts:** surprising but not unexpected

**a gentlelad:** rip

**the flower king:** trust me, mercedes

**the flower king:** i do try to keep him safe, despite his night-time.. activities

**i’ve been impaled:** dedue, brave advisor of dimitri, crippled by the prince’s horrifying cheese addiction

**i’ve been impaled:** we will pray for you

**cheese cruncher:** SHUT UP

**highflyer:** we’ll never let this go

**highflyer:** like how i’ll never let sylvain forget that he flirted with my granny

**a gentlelad:** ingrid STOP

**highflyer:** SHE WAS A LITTLE OLD LADY

**highflyer:** A POOR, INNOCENT OLD WOMAN, A VICTIM OF YOUR THOTTISH WAYS

**a gentlelad:** I CANT HELP BEING A THOT ITS WHO I AM

**street smarts:** it’s just who i am on the inside

**i’ve been impaled:** a foolish thot, that’s exactly what you are

**a gentlelad:** FELIX I’M DAMAGED

**highflyer:** fOOLISH THOT

**uwo:** it’s accurate

**cheese cruncher:** it does suit you..

**[ highflyer changed a gentlelad’s name to _foolish thot_ ]**

**foolish thot:** i should’ve expected this betrayal and yet i never saw it coming

**the flower king:** silence, thot

**highflyer:** aHDGFYJKJND

**street smarts:** oH

**foolish thot:** D E D U E

**cheese cruncher:** dedue i love you

**i’ve been impaled:** even dedue knows what you are, sylvain

**the flower king:** i know, your highness

**the flower king:** i know

**____________________**

**[ memeville || 11:47am ]**

**bubblegum bitch:** ey boys where we droppin

**lord of memeville:** we be dropping in memeville fuckers

**bubblegum bitch:** awe yeah

**eat pant:** you guys do this,,

**eat pant:** every d a y

**bubblegum bitch:** because it’s part of my contract as a best bro to enter a chat in the broest of ways

**lord of memeville:** exactly bro

**stabbeonie:** this is just how they function lysithea

**stabbeonie:** one day, we might understand why

**prune:** we never will, leonie.

**prune:** they’re a different group of human that is yet to be fully understood.

**bubblegum bitch:** shut up prune or i’ll raid your base again

**prune:** i haven’t even rebuilt my house yet.

**prune:** not after the last onslaught.

**stabbeonie:** you blew up marianne’s house what did you expect

**lord of memeville:** we all stan marianne

**bubblegum bitch:** all is fair in love and war

**prune:** :(

**eat pant:** where is marianne anyway?

**arrowman:** oh she’s at the stables!!

**bubblegum bitch:** @forest spirit yo girl what you doin

**[ forest spirit joined memeville ]**

**forest spirit:** oh, sorry! i was busy with dorte 

**stabbeonie:** oh yeah how is dorte?? 

**forest spirit:** she’s had a foal!! but please,, please don’t let sylvain name it 

**lord of memeville:** why not bro 

**bubblegum bitch:** claude we all love chunko the cat but we don’t need a foal running around called chunko jr

**lord of memeville:** hey, chunko jr is reserved for chunko’s future children, fuck you >:(

**bubblegum bitch:** omg i’m so sorry my dearest bro how could i forget about chunko and chunkette’s babies

**lord of memeville:** it’s ok bro even sylvain did

**forest spirit:** i was wondering if anyone had any good names?? i’m,, not very good at naming

**bubblegum bitch:** quick everyone put ur brains together

**munchables:** can we call it bagel???

**arrowman:** but we already have bagel the dog

**munchables:** two bagels

**eat pant:** no we can’t have two bagels

**stabbeonie:** martin?

**stabbeonie:** no that was horrible

**lord of memeville:** wait marianne is the foal a colt or a filly?

**forest spirit:** dorte had a filly!

**stabbeonie:** yeah martin definitely isn’t a good name

**eat pant:** definitely not

**prune:** call her loren!

**forest spirit:** no

**bubblegum bitch:** lorenz is denied by everybody: the fiftieth spin-off of the original trilogy

**arrowman:** how about astrid?

**lord of memeville:** anything is better than loren and

**lord of memeville:** that’s actually good the fuck??

**arrowman:** :)

**bubblegum bitch:** why didn’t you speak up sooner ignatz smh

**forest spirit:** astrid is really pretty!!

**forest spirit:** thank you ignatz!

**arrowman:** it’s no problem marianne! :D

**forest spirit:** :3

**bubblegum bitch:** marianne’s :3 has cleansed my skin and watered my crops

**bubblegum bitch:** this must be a truly blessed day

**____________________**

**[ oh god it’s disco fever || 2:01pm ]**

**distinguished bi:** well gang, it’s time to remember ferdinand von aegir the fifth

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** he was too young

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD

**red emperor:** wonderful sentiment, ferdinand

**ocean girl:** dorothea, why are we gathering in ferdinand’s base garden? i thought we were going to be hunting with lady edelgard?

**distinguished bi:** ferdinand’s horse was blown up in lorenz’ attack on poor marianne

**distinguished bi:** so we’re here at his funeral

**chaotic gremlin:** i thought ferdinand stopped inviting me to these after i destroyed his pumpkin farm but i guess i was wrong

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i require all of my dearest eagles in this time of great need

**chaotic gremlin:** but my bees :(

**where’s my bed:** you can get back to your beehives in a few minutes, caspar

**chaotic gremlin:** ok fine :(

**red emperor:** are the memorial fireworks ready?

**sweet lil dandelion:** yeah! ready to go when you say the word!!

**red emperor:** perfect

**distinguished bi:** anyone have any words for ferdinand the fifth?

**chaotic gremlin:** he was one bitchin horse

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** thank you, caspar

**distinguished bi:** he really was a heckin great horse

**ocean girl:** do not swear on my christian minecraft server, dorothea!!

**ocean girl:** did i do that meme right?

**distinguished bi:** you did it perfectly, petra

**ocean girl:** yay!

**distinguished bi:** anyway, we will now blast the memorial fireworks

**distinguished bi:** bernadetta, if you could

**sweet lil dandelion:** of course dorothea!!

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** may he rest in peace

**red emperor:** he will

**red emperor:** especially with the seventy flowers you’ve planted around his grave

**chaotic gremlin:** twenty more than the last time

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** he deserved every single one of them

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** my sweet son

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** my precious prince

**distinguished bi:** we’ll get you another ferdinand, ferdie

**ocean girl:** that is.. very confusing to read

**sweet lil dandelion:** it really is??

**distinguished bi:** oh well

**ocean girl:** could we be off hunting now? i would like to try to find more seeds of the pumpkin!!

**distinguished bi:** of course petra!!

**sweet lil dandelion:** do.. do you think i could come too?? is that ok?

**ocean girl:** it is very ok!

**distinguished bi:** of course bernie!! we’d love for you to come!! 💕

**red emperor:** we’ll be on the lookout for llamas as well, then!

**sweet lil dandelion:** oh! yay!! and thank you too, edelgard!!

**red emperor:** i’m glad you are joining us. now, off we march!

**ocean girl:** hoorah!!

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i should probably work on finding ferdinand the sixth after i finish mourning :(

**secretly evanescence?:** there are plenty of horses in the forest behind lady edelgard’s house.

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** huh

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** thanks hubert? that’s so weird to say

**secretly evanescence?:** if it’s so weird, it gives me good reason to never help you again.

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** understandable have a nice day

**chaotic gremlin:** well i’m gonna get back to my bees

**where’s my bed:** and i’m going to sleep

**where’s my bed:** goodnight

**distinguished bi:** it’s? 2pm??

**distinguished bi:** who am i kidding this is normal now

**chaotic gremlin:** we’re all pretty used to him

**ocean girl:** i am still not quite sure of how he sleeps so long!

**red emperor:** it’s a skill only he has

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i’m glad i don’t have it

**chaotic gremlin:** haGLGRRUFJDYV

**red emperor:** did caspar just scream??

**ocean girl:** friend caspar, what is wrong?

**chaotic gremlin:** MY BEES

**sweet lil dandelion:** this seems bad

**chaotic gremlin:** MY BEES ARE DEAD

**distinguished bi:** NO NOT THE BEES

**sweet lil dandelion:** oh no!! i’m sorry caspar :(

**chaotic gremlin:** NOW I KNOW HOW FERDINAND FEELS EVERY OTHER WEEK

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** we’ll have a very large funeral tomorrow :(

**distinguished bi:** i’ll make more memorial fireworks

**red emperor:** i’ll help you, dorothea

**ocean girl:** as will i!

**sweet lil dandelion:** i can try to help!

**distinguished bi:** aw, thank you sweethearts!! :D

**chaotic gremlin:** we’ll prep the funeral for later i need to go shatter some knees and dreams >:(

**chaotic gremlin:** who could’ve done this to innocent bees

**distinguished bi:** i vote lorenz

**distinguished bi:** if he had the balls and horrifying lack of guilt necessary to disturb marianne’s home, then he’d probably kill sweet baby bees

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i’d try to disagree but yeah it was probably lorenz

**red emperor:** let’s just all agree right here, right now- it was probably lorenz

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m gonna CRACK HIS RIBS LIKE A CRAB LEG!!

**distinguished bi:** go sweetie go!

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 3:52pm ]**

**prune:** MY HOUSE

**prune:** I JUST REBUILT IT

**chaotic gremlin:** READ IT AND WEEP PRUNE

**chaotic gremlin:** YOU KILLED MY BEES I BURNED DOWN YOUR HOUSE FAIR IS FAIR

**bubblegum bitch:** i’m so proud

**distinguished bi:** you’re doing amazing sweetie

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m also doing this for ferdinand and marianne

**bubblegum bitch:** and i’m even more proud

**arrowman:** ..wait those bees were yours?

**arrowman:** oh no :(

**chaotic gremlin:** wait wha

**munchables:** aw bud i’m sorry!! i accidentally hit one and i tried to make it better but it went downhill

**munchables:** i’ll help you get more though!!

**arrowman:** i’ll help too!

**chaotic gremlin:** my poor bees :(

**munchables:** you can come burn out house down if you want!! just let us get our wolves out if you do

**chaotic gremlin:** dhjtdy

**chaotic gremlin:** i can’t be mad at raphael when he’s that nice

**chaotic gremlin:** ok help me out after their funeral tomorrow :(

**arrowman:** we’ll come to it! 

**prune:** WHY DO THEY GET OFF WITH THE CRIME BUT I, AN INNOCENT VICTIM, DIDN’T??

**chaotic gremlin:** oh shut up whore we’re mourning

**bubblegum bitch:** yeah lorenz we’re all having a moment >:(

**bubblegum bitch:** i’ll go on the bee collection spree too

**bubblegum bitch:** deer and eagle solidarity

**prune:** but my house???

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** like the man said

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** shut up whore, we’re mourning


	2. fight all ghosts at 1am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ i just wanted to listen to taylor swift but now i’m quaking in my stilettos “ - dorothea arnault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bernadetta’s supports are great and i have to mention them all eventually

**[ house of horrors || 1:02am ]**

**street smarts:** did anybody else hear that noise??

**arrowman:** the distant cackling or the popcorn in the microwave?

**munchables:** i got hungry :(

**street smarts:** i meant the cackling!!

**street smarts:** do you think it’s a ghost??

**chaotic gremlin:** i was gonna say it’s just cinnamon but cats can’t laugh

**distinguished bi:** i just wanted to listen to taylor swift but now i’m quaking in my stilettos

**uwo:** really though who is that

**uwo:** because it’s kinda creepy

**arrowman:** i don’t actually know

**munchables:** i mean, it could be a ghost?

**street smarts:** oh goddess please no

**street smarts:** it’s going to throw me into the pond and my body won’t be found until it accidentally hooks onto the professor’s fishing rod and they hoist my body onto the pier, nothing but a distant stare on their face

**chaotic gremlin:** ashe stop giving yourself ideas dude

**distinguished bi:** stop giving ME bad ideas because now i’m scared this ghost is gonna throw me in the pond while i sleep

**uwo:** we established that the pond ghost was alois trying to go spear fishing

**arrowman:** professor byleth just looked so.. disappointed when they found out it was him

**uwo:** i’ve never seen them that disappointed

**uwo:** and they’ve seen sylvain try to flirt

**distinguished bi:** i think they were more disappointed they couldn’t catch a leviathan’s ghost or something

**street smarts:** as much as i love talking about our professor’s fishing endeavours, i would very much like to find out if this is a GHOST OR NOT

**chaotic gremlin:** it’s ok ashe i can find the ghost

**street smarts:** oh- that’s nice of you caspar!

**chaotic gremlin:** cool you’re coming with me LETS GO!!

**street smarts:** wait WHAT

**distinguished bi:** thank you for sacrificing yourselves for the greater good!

**street smarts:** I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS

**chaotic gremlin:** it’s ok ashe you can hold my hand

**chaotic gremlin:** we’ll find and punch the ghost together

**street smarts:** caspar you can’t really punch ghosts

**uwo:** hey don’t break the man’s spirit

**chaotic gremlin:** well hey if it doesn’t work you’ll have plenty of time to run while it eats my bones!

**street smarts:** please don’t put that image in my head

**munchables:** if you two are going, i wanna come too! i’ll be able to hold off the ghost real easy!!

**street smarts:** thank you raphael

**chaotic gremlin:** raph you’re a blessing

**distinguished bi:** i’ll just hang out here in my dorm as the friendly emotional support

**uwo:** just doin what dorothea does best- supporting our local dumbasses

**distinguished bi:** aw, you really think so annie? :)

**distinguished bi:** i’m flattered!

**[ bubblegum bitch & literal angel joined house of horrors ]**

**bubblegum bitch:** what in the name of HECK are y’all doin awake

**munchables:** ghost hunting!

**bubblegum bitch:** are u sure it’s not just alois again

**street smarts:** you can’t change my mind that laughter can only be one thing and that’s a ghost

**literal angel:** oh ashe, you shouldn’t worry too much! it’s probably just one of the knights or a cleaner!

**street smarts:** nope it’s a ghost

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m starting to believe him because bro these halls are empty

**distinguished bi:** can you feel my distant support echoing through them

**bubblegum bitch:** i sure can and i’m not even ghost hunting

**uwo:** dorothea’s existence is just that powerful

**distinguished bi:** ;)

**arrowman:** sorry to interrupt, but is it normal for dimitri to be eating cheese at this hour??

**uwo:** oH my fucking god

**literal angel:** :( unfortunately

**bubblegum bitch:** @cheese cruncher look at that u made mercedes sad

**[ cheese cruncher joined house of horrors ]**

**cheese cruncher:** afdgg mercedes i’m so sorry

**uwo:** just please don’t eat anymore butter

**chaotic gremlin:** he ate what now

**cheese cruncher:** IRRELEVANT

**cheese cruncher:** but you seem to be looking for a ghost?

**street smarts:** well i’m trying to avoid it all costs but yes, i guess so

**cheese cruncher:** i heard someone laughing outside of my room

**chaotic gremlin:** off we go!!

**street smarts:** :(

**munchables:** thanks dimitri!

**uwo:** well now it’s just the gang

**literal angel:** i hope they don’t get too scared :(

**distinguished bi:** they’ll be fine, mercedes!!

**distinguished bi:** completely a-okay

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 2:51am ]**

**distinguished bi:** so i was wrong

**where’s my bed:** they both scream so.. loud

**bubblegum bitch:** then again watching caspar run away from bernadetta with ashe clinging to him as they both scream is

**bubblegum bitch:** something alright

**highflyer:** not when they run directly past your room

**munchables:** i think my ears are ringing

**arrowman:** they were rather terrifying themselves

**sweet lil dandelion:** ahh,, i’m sorry everyone!! i didn’t really think i was that scary..

**munchables:** it’s no big deal bernadetta!!

**munchables:** well, except for caspar and ashe

**distinguished bi:** are they still screaming?

**the flower king:** they’ve stopped now

**the flower king:** they’re just sitting by the fishing pond with some of the cats

**sweet lil dandelion:** i still feel bad about scaring them :(

**distinguished bi:** they’ll be fine, bernie!!

**distinguished bi:** especially with those cats

**highflyer:** list one thing they love more

**highflyer:** i’ll wait

**distinguished bi:** a single cat was the foundation of their friendship

**arrowman:** oh yeah!! i see caspar feeding her a lot

**uwo:** ashe does too

**highflyer:** i’ve seen them have a literal stand off at 3am about who’s gonna feed the cat

**distinguished bi:** such loving parents

**munchables:** cinnamon is a great cat!!

**distinguished bi:** caspar may have stolen one of my ribbons but god that cat is adorable i couldn’t steal it back :(

**uwo:** she’s baby

**chaotic gremlin:** of course she’s baby!

**chaotic gremlin:** she may be a great pantry thief but she’s my favourite pantry thief

**uwo:** is she best baby

**chaotic gremlin:** yes definitely

**sweet lil dandelion:** oh i’m sorry about scaring you and ashe caspar!! i really didn’t know i was that scary..

**chaotic gremlin:** nah it’s ok bern!! it was kinda funny anyway

**chaotic gremlin:** plus i got good exercise running with ashe :D

**highflyer:** oh yeah how is he now?

**the flower king:** he is drowning in cats

**the flower king:** _[ image attachment: cats.png ]_

**distinguished bi:** ho my goddess, 

**distinguished bi:** so many cats in one picture 

**uwo:** then caspar on the side just chillin 

**highflyer:** that looks so relaxing and he’s literally sitting next to one of the loudest people ever 

**uwo:** shhh power of friendship 

**chaotic gremlin:** well duh i don’t wanna scare him again!! 

**chaotic gremlin:** besides it’s kinda cute :) 

**munchables:** well that was fun but i’m gonna sleep now!! 

**uwo:** oh same 

**distinguished bi:** i think everyone is tbh 

**highflyer:** yeah i’m gonna sink back to dreamland 

**[ highflyer, uwo and munchables left house of horrors ]**

**the flower king:** i will be, after i finish up in the greenhouse 

**distinguished bi:** you and ashe go to bed soon, ok caspar?? 

**chaotic gremlin:** don’t worry thea we will! 

**distinguished bi:** well, good night! 

**[ distinguished bi left house of horrors ]**

**chaotic gremlin:** actually we should probably sleep now :/ 

**chaotic gremlin:** oh wait ashe is asleep 

**chaotic gremlin:** i guess i’ll carry him!! 

**____________________**

**[ 3am cheese || 8:07am ]**

**street smarts:** why is caspar sleeping outside of my room?? 

**uwo:** caspar is a cat confirmed?? 

**cheese cruncher:** was he there all night? 

**street smarts:** i have no idea 

**the flower king:** he probably was, considering he took you back to your room 

**highflyer:** but why did he sleep.. outside.. on the ground 

**uwo:** knowing caspar’s 3am brain he probably forgot where his room was 

**uwo:** gotta sleep somewhere man 

**highflyer:** mm shit u right 

**literal angel:** it doesn’t sound very comfortable, though! is he okay, ashe?? 

**street smarts:** he’s still asleep, he’s just.. on the floor 

**foolish thot:** god i wish my body let me sleep anywhere i pleased 

**highflyer:** but then you’d just be linhardt 

**i’ve been impaled:** if i find you asleep in the training grounds again, i’ll use you as a training dummy. 

**foolish thot:** well at least i know i’ll never sleep comfortably again 

**i’ve been impaled:** good

**foolish thot:** thanks felix you’re a treasure 

**street smarts:** anyway, i woke caspar up

**street smarts:** he seems ok, just rather cold- should i do anything, mercedes?

**literal angel:** just help him warm up!! a nice blanket or coat is always nice!

**street smarts:** thank you!!

**literal angel:** if you need any more help, i’ll be right over!!

**highflyer:** mercedes you’re a blessing

**uwo:** what would we do without you

**cheese cruncher:** be without any good treats

**foolish thot:** die, probably

**i’ve been impaled:** sylvain would have died long ago

**highflyer:** felix out here speaking the truth

**literal angel:** aw!! i love you all too!!

**literal angel:** and felix! that wasn’t very kindly of you!

**uwo:** local momcedes steps in between her dumb friends to prevent manslaughter

**highflyer:** did you mean thotslaughter

**i’ve been impaled:** more like genocide

**foolish thot:** we thots are a dying species

**foolish thot:** mercedes is just the only good park ranger

**uwo:** thats so true

**highflyer:** the others went down in history

**foolish thot:** yes as fools

**highflyer:** no as heroes because they let an invasive species fade away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and ashe never saw his jacket again
> 
> ( if you can’t tell i’m laying on the basis for caspar/ashe because cat-lovin boys are just great )


	3. wewcome to the owo pwace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ today i learned that ferdinand has the grand canyon exactly three steps away from his house “ - claude von riegan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s minecraft time lads
> 
> also i stan a good platonic relationship between dorothea and caspar as much as platonic dorothea and bernadetta 😤👌

**[ oh god it’s disco fever || 12:01pm ]**

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** OH FUCK I’VE LOST THE SIXTH FERDINAND

**red emperor:** are you cursed??

**red emperor:** did someone curse ferdinand??

**distinguished bi:** it would all explain so much

**distinguished bi:** what happened to this one??

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** he fell into the canyon

**red emperor:** ..the what

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** the canyon! he missed the bridge, and fell into the canyon

**[ ocean girl, chaotic gremlin and sweet lil dandelion joined oh god it’s disco fever ]**

**ocean girl:** ferdinand has a canyon?

**ocean girl:** would that not make survival within the area more difficult?

**chaotic gremlin:** why did i only find out about it today

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** it’s been there since before i built my house

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** did none of you notice??

**chaotic gremlin:** nope

**ocean girl:** i did not!

**sweet lil dandelion:** no??

**distinguished bi:** seriously ferdinand you’re telling us this now

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** how have you not seen it??

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i even carpeted the bridge to make it fitting for a noble such as myself

**red emperor:** the only positive is that we at least know this is the real ferdinand and not a clone

**distinguished bi:** i’m still so confused

**chaotic gremlin:** it’s okay we all are

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i am surprised!! caspar, you raided my pumpkin farm, how didn’t you notice the canyon??

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** it was right next to it!

**chaotic gremlin:** it was??

**ocean girl:** i am sorry that i have not ever noticed it, ferdinand!!

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i can’t believe no one ever noticed :(

**red emperor:** i’ll visit after class

**red emperor:** i want to see this for myself, after all

**distinguished bi:** i will too!

**[ secretly evanescence? joined oh god it’s disco fever ]**

**secretly evanescence?:** the professor is just down the hall, ferdinand- i suggest you put your laptop away

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** but i still need to get another ferdinand :(

**red emperor:** we’ll go get one after we see this canyon

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i can agree to that

**distinguished bi:** sounds perfect! i can get another horse for our stables, too!!

**chaotic gremlin:** don’t you have like, ten?

**distinguished bi:** you can never have too many horses

**chaotic gremlin:** you got me there

**____________________**

**direct messages — distinguished bi & chaotic gremlin**

**distinguished bi:** so caspar! that jacket, huh? ;)

**chaotic gremlin:** wait what?

**chaotic gremlin:** is there something on it?

**distinguished bi:** not much

**distinguished bi:** well, not much if you ignore the ‘ ashe ‘ printed on the back

**chaotic gremlin:** OH

**distinguished bi:** so what exactly did i miss last night?? ;)

**chaotic gremlin:** he just fell asleep so i took him back to his room!

**chaotic gremlin:** then i kinda forgot where i was going and slept on the floor

**distinguished bi:** his floor?

**chaotic gremlin:** no i slept in the hallway!

**distinguished bi:** ..in the hallway???

**chaotic gremlin:** yeah i know it was stupid

**chaotic gremlin:** but he woke me up and he said i looked cold, then he gave me his jacket since mercie told him to

**chaotic gremlin:** i was gonna give it back soon anyway!!

**distinguished bi:** well i still don’t understand why you slept in a hallway but

**distinguished bi:** it was sweet of him to do that

**chaotic gremlin:** oh yeah it really was! :)

**chaotic gremlin:** plus he’s really cute when he sleeps

**distinguished bi:** oh was he now?

**chaotic gremlin:** yeah!! i mean, ashe’s always cute but he’s just as cute when he’s asleep

**chaotic gremlin:** is that creepy? cause i don’t want it to sound creepy i just think he is

**chaotic gremlin:** he’s really nice to everyone too and he’s a great cook!! oh and

**chaotic gremlin:** wait dorothea don’t expLOIT MY LACK OF A FILTER

**distinguished bi:** oh, don’t mind me!! just keep talking about your little crush ;)

**chaotic gremlin:** thea >:(

**distinguished bi:** i’m kidding, caspar! but it’s good you can at least talk about your crush, there’s plenty of dudes who just don’t have the balls to be sweet like that :/

**distinguished bi:** if you ever want to talk about it i’m here for you!

**chaotic gremlin:** oh

**chaotic gremlin:** thanks thea

**chaotic gremlin:** it’d be nice to talk about it to someone who has a bit of experience

**distinguished bi:** you can bet on that

**distinguished bi:** but really, even if it’s not the crush stuff, you can talk to me anytime! :)

**distinguished bi:** you’re like, one of the few dudes i actually like

**chaotic gremlin:** oh! you can talk to me about stuff too!!

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m not as good as you are but i can try to help! :)

**distinguished bi:** oh, i’ll definitely drop by when i need it! :D 

**chaotic gremlin:** :D

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 5:12pm ]**

**uwo:** doctow!! we’we wosing him!!

**eat pant:** quick nuwse!! get the defwibiwatow!!

**uwo:** it’s not wowking!!

**i’ve been impaled:** please, just let me fucking die

**foolish thot:** don’t wowwy fewix!! you’we gonna wive!

**bubblegum bitch:** what about youw famiwy, fewix??

**i’ve been impaled:** my father can fuck himself just turn off the life support

**eat pant:** but fewix, thewe’s no cake when you die!!

**highflyer:** yeah fewix! pwus, you’we not awwowed to die on schoow gwounds!!

**i’ve been impaled:** guess i’m breaking the law

**prune:** please kill me too

**cheese cruncher:** and me

**lord of memeville:** you wosews awen’t any fun

**distinguished bi:** yeah, wighten up!!

**red emperor:**..

**prune:** edelgard! please, put some sense into these fools!

**red emperor:** come on wowenz, we awen’t committing a cwime! owo

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** WOWENZ

**distinguished bi:** wowenz is suffewing fwom ouw simpwe ways

**bubblegum bitch:** AAAHDHIH

**lord of memeville:** YEAH COME ON WOWENZ JOIN THE OWO

**distinguished bi:** YOU TOO FEWIX

**cheese cruncher:** what is this?

**red emperor:** be a twue king, dimitwi

**lord of memeville:** join ouw battawion

**i’ve been impaled:** dimitri don’t you dare

**cheese cruncher:** i’m sowwy fewix

**cheese cruncher:** uwu

**i’ve been impaled:** FUCK

**bubblegum bitch:** WE GOT HIM

**foolish thot:** and then thewe was one

**prune:** you forgot me!

**foolish thot:** wike i said

**i’ve been impaled:** now thewe’s none

**eat pant:** wewcome to the good pwace

**red emperor:** we’we compwetewy undefeatabwe

**lord of memeville:** the stwongest awmy that evew wived

**cheese cruncher:** even stwongew than seiwos?

**red emperor:** undeniabwy

**prune:** so this is what solitude feels like

**uwo:** shut up, wowenz

**distinguished bi:** sowwy, onwy owos awwowed

**foolish thot:** if you don’t owo now, you wiww nevew find peace

**i’ve been impaled:** i found peace and it’s howwibwe

**eat pant:** you can die now, you awe fwee fwom the non-owos disease

**i’ve been impaled:** thank the goddess

**[ the flower king joined house of horrors ]**

**the flower king:** owo what’s this?

**bubblegum bitch:** OH SWEET SEIWOS

**lord of memeville:** we’ve been bwessed, my fwiends

**cheese cruncher:** what a weiwd day

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 10:43pm ]**

**lord of memeville:** dear diary

**lord of memeville:** today i learned that ferdinand has the grand canyon exactly three steps away from his house

**chaotic gremlin:** welcome to the club

**distinguished bi:** it’s a real weird sight to behold

**lord of memeville:** yeah i fell into it

**lord of memeville:** so now its just me and a horse

**bubblegum bitch:** why is a horse in there???

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** FERDINAND THE SIXTH

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** HE’S ALIVE

**distinguished bi:** how the fuck

**lord of memeville:** i don’t know how to get out

**lord of memeville:** am i stuck with ferdinand the sixth forever?

**eat pant:** yes

**eat pant:** this is your life now

**lord of memeville:** well fuck

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** I’M COMING TO GET HIM

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** FEAR NOT, SWEET PRINCE, FOR FERDINAND WILL SAVE YOU

**lord of memeville:** me or the horse?

**chaotic gremlin:** the horse

**distinguished bi:** FERDINAND NO

**lord of memeville:** too late

**lord of memeville:** he missed the paddling pool and fell 300 minecraft metres to his death

**bubblegum bitch:** f

**chaotic gremlin:** f

**eat pant:** f

**distinguished bi:** f


	4. the gays took over tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ this is like romeo and juliet, except it’s gay and the two houses don’t actually hate each other that much “ - linhardt von hevring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the g in garreg mach is for gay which is what this whole chapter is
> 
> i call the tea place the pavilion because i don’t know an official name and it’s also basically a pavilion

**[ 3am cheese || 12:04am ]**

**street smarts:** um, is anyone awake??

**cheese cruncher:** i am

**the flower king:** as am i

**highflyer:** same

**uwo:** hiya everybody!!

**literal angel:** i’m also awake!

**street smarts:** oh ok that’s good

**street smarts:** cause i wanted to ask something kind of.. awkward??

**cheese cruncher:** well, we can try and help in any way we can!

**highflyer:** besides, it can’t be any worse than dimitri’s lust for cheese

**cheese cruncher:** INGRID

**highflyer:** ┐(｡◕ ‿ ◕｡)┌

**uwo:** ignoring those two, what is it bro?

**street smarts:** well uh

**street smarts:** i have a crush on someone! and i wanted some advice on asking them out?

**highflyer:** well thank the goddess sylvain isn’t here

**literal angel:** where is he, anyway?

**literal angel:** he’d asked for a study session, but never showed up :(

**the flower king:** he’s been sparring with felix, but i thought we were focused on helping ashe?

**literal angel:** oh yes! i’ll speak to him later

**literal angel:** but ashe! i’m happy for you!

**uwo:** the only successful one out of us sad lads

**street smarts:** i haven’t even asked them out yet!!

**highflyer:** but you’re you

**highflyer:** who could turn you down

**cheese cruncher:** if they did, we’d gladly fight them for your honor!

**uwo:** YEAH!!

**street smarts:** ok please don’t do that

**street smarts:** i just want some ideas on how to ask them out! that’s all

**highflyer:** it’d be a little easier if we know who they are, or at least what they like

**literal angel:** you don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable!

**street smarts:** can i think about it for a moment?

**literal angel:** of course! take all the time you need, ashe

**uwo:** mercie you’re a blessing to all of society

**cheese cruncher:** especially to us :)

**literal angel:** :D

**cheese cruncher:** you too dedue!

**the flower king:** thank you, your highness :)

**cheese cruncher:** actually, all of you are wonderful! i hope you all know that

**uwo:** dimitri why are you so wholesome at midnight you’re gonna make me shed a tear :’)

**highflyer:** because beneath that pasta hair and cheesy face, he’s a nice lad

**cheese cruncher:** i can’t tell if that was an insult or a compliment

**highflyer:** yes

**street smarts:** so i did think about it

**street smarts:** and i’m up to tell you so long as you keep it in the chat!

**cheese cruncher:** of course we will! i swear it on my life

**cheese cruncher:** as we all do, right?

**the flower king:** of course

**literal angel:** definitely!

**highflyer:** not gonna tell a soul

**uwo:** my lips are sealed!!

**street smarts:** good!

**street smarts:** well uh

**street smarts:** i have a crush on caspar and i have no idea how to tell him??

**street smarts:** i just get really nervous and i can’t tell him anything without it being a mess :(

**uwo:** that’s me but with life in general

**literal angel:** oh ashe! that’s perfectly understandable

**literal angel:** you could always write him a note?

**the flower king:** if you would like a bouquet, i can also help you with flowers

**street smarts:** that’s a lot better than blurting it out actually

**street smarts:** and i could do it pretty soon too!

**highflyer:** we’re blessed with the fact that sylvain isn’t here

**uwo:** thank felix for distracting him

**cheese cruncher:** he provides us all with release

**____________________**

**direct messages — chaotic gremlin & where’s my bed**

**chaotic gremlin:** lin you’ll never believe it!!!

**chaotic gremlin:** i woke up and i went to go train

**chaotic gremlin:** and there was this really neat bouquet outside my door

**chaotic gremlin:** it was just a huge bunch of lilies and violets and lavender and stuff

**chaotic gremlin:** so i thought “ oh cool! somebody likes me!! “

**chaotic gremlin:** and i saw a note on it

**chaotic gremlin:** and y’know people are being all sappy and asking each other to the ball thats in a couple months already

**chaotic gremlin:** well bOy howdy i didn’t expect to see a note asking me to go on there

**chaotic gremlin:** and he wrote his name on it

**chaotic gremlin:** he put his nAME on the card!!!!

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m totally in panic heaven rn but ashe asked me out!!

**chaotic gremlin:** ME

**chaotic gremlin:** i was gonna, yknow ask eventually but!! he beat me to it!!

**chaotic gremlin:** i can’t tell if i’m panic or just way too overwhelmed

**chaotic gremlin:** but hE LIKES ME TOOO

**chaotic gremlin:** hr i gotta go get this energy out somehow so i’m

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m gonna go run around because oH my GODDESS

**chaotic gremlin:** i actually have a chance!! with hiM!!

**chaotic gremlin:** aaAAA WE’LL TALK ABOUT MORE MUSHY STUFF WHEN YOU WAKE UP THIS IS WEIRDLY EXCITING

**____________________**

**[ oh god it’s disco fever || 7:32am ]**

**ocean girl:** is anyone knowing of the reason caspar is running around?

**ocean girl:** he has passed me three times whilst speaking to himself, and i am feeling much concern

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i’ve seen him as well

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** and there he goes again

**red emperor:** i’m glad we aren’t the only ones

**ocean girl:** we?

**distinguished bi:** me and edie were having tea together!

**red emperor:** well, we still are

**red emperor:** caspar has just simply made himself a point of interest

**secretly evanescence?:** his behaviour is certainly unusual

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

**red emperor:** why haven’t you?

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** touché

**ocean girl:** he seems very excited! i don’t know what about, though

**distinguished bi:** i can stop him when he comes back around!

**secretly evanescence?:** he’s slowed down now

**secretly evanescence?:** he is, however still heading to the pavilion

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** and now we wait

**red emperor:** well he did come up to us

**distinguished bi:** his reason’s pretty cute!!

**distinguished bi:** _@chaotic gremlin_ c’mon nobody’ll spill anything!

**[ chaotic gremlin joined oh god it’s disco fever ]**

**chaotic gremlin:** theaaa :(

**ocean girl:** a reason can be cute? interesting!

**red emperor:** it can’t be that bad, caspar

**chaotic gremlin:** i mean it’s not bad but

**chaotic gremlin:** i dunno getting asked out is weird!!

**distinguished bi:** at least it’s someone you like!

**red emperor:** well this is

**red emperor:** only a little surprising, if i’m being honest

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i agree with dorothea, it is quite sweet :)

**chaotic gremlin:** i mean yeah it is i’m just not good at this stuff :(

**distinguished bi:** trust me cas, no one is

**red emperor:** we may be distinguished but we can all easily become disasters

**ocean girl:** life can be a crisis at constant times!

**chaotic gremlin:** being a disaster in a gay panic isn’t fun guys :(

**[ where’s my bed joined oh god it’s disco fever ]**

**where’s my bed:** caspar

**chaotic gremlin:** oh hi lin!

**where’s my bed:** do you want to go out with him?

**chaotic gremlin:** well yeah you know i do!!

**where’s my bed:** then go tell him

**where’s my bed:** he’s down near the greenhouse

**where’s my bed:** you do know what you want to say, right?

**chaotic gremlin:** uh of course!!

**chaotic gremlin:** well thanks lin!!

**distinguished bi:** that’s the quickest i’ve seen him run

**red emperor:** that’s the fastest i’ve seen him go from confused to motivated

**red emperor:** why don’t you do that more often??

**where’s my bed:** i’m asleep for more than half of the day

**where’s my bed:** i rarely notice

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** understandable, have a nice day

**where’s my bed:** that i will

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 8:30am ]**

**distinguished bi:** we did it lads

**distinguished bi:** garreg mach has it’s first official disaster gay pair

**where’s my bed:** this is like romeo and juliet, except it’s gay and the two houses don’t actually hate each other that much

**highflyer:** caspar and ashe

**highflyer:** unexpected yet also very expected

**ocean girl:** is that not a contradiction?

**uwo:** yeah but that’s just how disaster gays be petra

**bubblegum bitch:** unpredictable as fuck but you always know their next move?

**distinguished bi:** yes see hilda knows

**bubblegum bitch:** hilda knows all of your disaster secrets

**highflyer:** but we all have disaster secrets :(

**bubblegum bitch:** like i said

**bubblegum bitch:** hilda knows all, my dear disaster child


	5. wetuwn of wowenz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ fuck lorenz he burned down my melon farm “ - ingrid brandl galatea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowenz got hacked heckin gosh owo
> 
> aside from him though we have the usual shits

**[ memeville || 10:28am ]**

**prune:** which one of you heckews did this to me

**eat pant:** sorry what

**prune:** which one of you heckews did this to i, wowenz hewwman gwoucestew

**bubblegum bitch:** WOWENZ GOT OWOED

**lord of memeville:** i don’t know who did this but you’re a GENIUS

**arrowman:** top 10 galaxy brains

**prune:** cwaude, stop pwaising them and stawt finding out who did this!! 

**stabbeonie:** yeah guys, we gotta find out who did this to wowenz hewwman gwoucestew

**eat pant:** we’we definitewy gonna hewp wowenz hewwman gwoucestew owo

**lord of memeville:** poow owd wowenz hewwman gwoucestew

**[ bubblegum bitch changed prune’s name to _wowenz hewwman gwoucestew_** ] 

**bubblegum bitch:** ouw good fwiend wowenz 

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** HIWDA I WIWW IMPAWE YOU 

**arrowman:** awe you gonna do it with youw wance? owo

**bubblegum bitch:** oh frick guys, wowenz is gonna stab me

**stabbeonie:** we gotta wepowt this cwime

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** NONE OF YOU AWE GOING TO HEWP ME??

**lord of memeville:** sowwy buddy owu

**eat pant:** siwence, thot

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** i am no mewe THOT

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** i am a man of pwestige!!

**wowenz hewwman gwoucester:** i am a high wanking individuaw, and have no time for youw shenanigans!!

**lord of memeville:** HIGH WANKING

**bubblegum bitch:** OH HOLY FUCK WOWENZ

**arrowman:** his ranting’s gotten much funnier like this

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** HECKIN FUDGE

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** i hate aww of you

**eat pant:** we wuv you too wowenz uwu

**munchables:** it is a lot better when he’s typing like this!

**munchables:** it’s not as mean

**arrowman:** can we keep him like this?

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** WHAT NO HOWD ON THEWE

**stabbeonie:** i agree!!

**lord of memeville:** all those in favour of leaving wowenz like this say heck

**bubblegum bitch:** heck

**stabbeonie:** super heck

**arrowman:** heck!

**munchables:** ultimate HECK

**eat pant:** oh 100% heck

**lord of memeville:** and that just leaves one person

**bubblegum bitch:** _@forest spirit_ mari c’mon help us make wowenz be a nicer person

**[ forest spirit joined memeville ]**

**forest spirit:** oh?

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** pwease mawianne i’ww give you anything if you just twy to save me fwom this howwible fate

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** especiawwy one i am condemned to by this absowute foows

**forest spirit:** ..

**forest spirit:** heck

**bubblegum bitch:** we have her blessing lads

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** HECK

**lord of memeville:** well would you look at that

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** WAIT HOWD ON

**lord of memeville:** it’s a universal win ;)

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** I HECKIN HATE YOU CWAUDE

**lord of memeville:** love you too bud

**bubblegum bitch:** we can’t deny the logic of the decision

**bubblegum bitch:** it’d make us tewwibwe weadews if we did nwn

**lord of memeville:** yeah wowenz, we can’t deny the needs of ouw peopwe owo

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** if you won’t hewp me, i shaww go find anothew souwce of suppowt!! suwewy somebody knows how to tuwn this off

**[ wowenz hewwman gwoucestew left memeville ]**

**eat pant:** this is the best 

**lord of memeville:** damn right

**lord of memeville:** whoever did this i love you

**bubblegum bitch:** wait u didn’t do it??

**lord of memeville:** ..no???

**arrowman:** how peculiar

**eat pant:** wonder who it was

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 12:01pm ]**

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** couwd anyone pwovide me with fweedom fwom this cuwsed text?

**lord of memeville:** if anyone helps him i’m condemning you to a trash can

**red emperor:** i don’t believe anyone was planning to

**secretly evanescence?:** who would willingly help that man

**secretly evanescence?:** he’s somehow more obsessed with nobility than ferdinand

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** now that is terrifying

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** i’m not that howwibwe!!

**sweet lil dandelion:** you kind of are,,

**forest spirit:** i don’t like coming off as rude but.. well, you are quite mean to us

**ocean girl:** i am in much agreement with our friends!

**highflyer:** fuck lorenz he burned down my melon farm

**bubblegum bitch:** he also tried to destroy marianne’s house

**foolish thot:** throw him in jail

**chaotic gremlin:** baby jail or minecraft jail?

**foolish thot:** both

**i’ve been impaled:** it’s all he deserves

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** HECK YOU!

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** aww thwee of you have destwoyed my house with no wawning befowe >:(

**chaotic gremlin:** i did it with passion

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** youw passion means nothing to a highew wanking man such as mysewf

**street smarts:** higher what now?

**distinguished bi:** gee wowenz we didn’t need that info

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** HECK YOU DOWOTHEA

**uwo:** are you gonna take that dowothea

**distinguished bi:** will anyone support my soon to occur destruction of everything lorenz holds dear in his 15th house

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** NO

**chaotic gremlin:** fuck yeah

**street smarts:** it’ll be fun, so why not!

**uwo:** as caspar said, fuck yeah

**eat pant:** lorenz and destruction in the same sentence? sounds perfect

**bubblegum bitch:** this is the mission the goddess intended me to join

**red emperor:** i will gladly be at your side

**distinguished bi:** even edie’s joining the wowenz waid!!! thank you sweetie! 💕💖💕💖

**red emperor:** it really isn’t too much, thea 💕

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** why awe you aww so CWUEL

**street smarts:** because you kind of suck!

**chaotic gremlin:** see if ashe says it you know it’s true

**street smarts:** v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ

**chaotic gremlin:** (◡‿◕✿)

**bubblegum bitch:** only two things can bring all of the houses together

**bubblegum bitch:** the shared impulse to bully lorenz and the gays

**lord of memeville:** fódlan is united with this newly gained knowledge

**red emperor:** wars are ended all thanks to lorenz’s usually unbearable behaviour

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** oh heck aww of you

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 4:47am ]**

**[ how to fist-fight seiros joined house of horrors ]**

**[ how to fist-fight seiros added flayn to the group ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** sorry about never getting around to adding you in, flayn

**[ flayn joined house of horrors ]**

**flayn:** professor, it’s fine! besides, you made up for it with the fun prank on lorenz!

**how to fist-fight seiros:** don’t you mean wowenz lmao

**flayn:** oh yes! wowenz!

**flayn:** i’m sure his reaction will be rather interesting :3

**how to fist-fight seiros:** i can bet on it

**how to fist-fight seiros:** anyway do you want me to give you a name or can you handle it yourself??

**flayn:** i’m not very good at nicknames, professor :(

**how to fist-fight seiros:** don’t u worry girl i’ve got you

**[ how to fist-fight seiros changed flayn’s name to _i amn litle creacher_ ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** anyway you should get to bed

**how to fist-fight seiros:** seteth’s gonna eat my skin for breakfast in a bowl of milk if u don’t

**i amn litle creacher:** professor!! my brother would never do that!

**i amn litle creacher:** he is fond of you, even if he’s not good at showing it :3

**how to fist-fight seiros:** is that why he watches every spar me and catherine have

**how to fist-fight seiros:** wow

**how to fist-fight seiros:** that’s been a wacky seteth thing all along

**how to fist-fight seiros:** hot diggedy dog

**i amn litle creacher:** you should go to bed soon too, professor!

**how to fist-fight seiros:** tell that to seteth

**how to fist-fight seiros:** that man hasn’t seen a bed in decades

**i amn litle creacher:** of course i will! goodnight professor!!

**how to fist-fight seiros:** yeah goodnight kid

**how to fist-fight seiros:** seriously though i better not wake up to seteth prepping a bowl of milk

**how to fist-fight seiros:** that’s not something i wanna see

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 7:54am ]**

**lord of memeville:** can’t believe teach made wowenz hewwman gwoucestew come to life

**bubblegum bitch:** i’m so proud

**foolish thot:** professor’s a memer

**lord of memeville:** you’ve heard it folks

**lord of memeville:** good ol teach snapped poor wowenz’ sanity in half

**bubblegum bitch:** what a legend

**bubblegum bitch:** we stan


	6. out in the woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ we’re undeniably going to get lost but we’ll have fun doing it, bitch “ - hilda valentine goneril

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i live bitch 😤
> 
> anyway who thought it was a good fucking idea to take these guys camping? me that’s who
> 
> ps some of this is gonna based on what people have done in my school on the yearly camping trips

**[ house of horrors || 10:01am ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** ok suckers for some reason rhea wants to send you all on a ‘ survivalist camping trip ‘ to ‘ help the students bond ‘

**how to fist-fight seiros:** because apparently my intellectual decision of creating this amazing chat wasn’t enough

**how to fist-fight seiros:** i put you into the best groups i could but rhea’s weak and wouldn’t let me leave poor innocent wowenz to survive alone because it’s ‘ unfair ‘ ●︿●

**how to fist-fight seiros:** i’m just gonna make y’all your sub-channels and let you ‘ build up your bonds ‘ before we go on this ‘ magical ‘ expedition

**lord of memeville:** teach you know lorenz is gonna die

**how to fist-fight seiros:** ‘tis the small price we pay for rhea’s ingenuity

**____________________**

**[ the good bitches || 10:13am ]**

**[ how to fist-fight seiros added red emperor, distinguished bi, bubblegum bitch, forest spirit, uwo and literal angel to the group ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** have fun u funky fresh gals

**[ how to fist-fight seiros left the good bitches ]**

**[ bubblegum bitch, distinguished bi, red emperor and uwo entered the good bitches ]**

**red emperor:** there aren’t any rats in the forest, are there?

**distinguished bi:** oh edie! there might be some, but we can keep our distance :D

**red emperor:** i hope we do

**bubblegum bitch:** if we see a rat i’ll just like

**bubblegum bitch:** go put it in a bush dw girl

**uwo:** we’ll be the rat masters

**uwo:** we’ll make them all diSAPPEAR

**red emperor:** that’s already made this entire experience ten times better

**distinguished bi:** if a rat gets too close just say the word and i’ll get it to go! ;)

**red emperor:** thank you, dorothea

**red emperor:** and that goes to you two as well

**uwo:** it’s chill

**uwo:** mercie can help too!! i’m sure she’s good with lil rats

**bubblegum bitch:** marianne’s great with pretty much any animal too

**bubblegum bitch:** we are simply the professional rat wardens

**red emperor:** well, it’s sounding like a better idea now

**red emperor:** even if i’m still not certain about it, i’m sure it’ll be ok

**distinguished bi:** we can’t promise that but gosh darn will we try!

**uwo:** i promise nothing, unlike our personal saint dorothea over here

**bubblegum bitch:** we’re undeniably going to get lost but we’ll have fun doing it, bitch

**bubblegum bitch:** and THAT is my promise

**bubblegum bitch:** scout’s honour

**[ forest spirit entered the good bitches ]**

**forest spirit:** but you were never a scout?

**bubblegum bitch:** shhhhhh that’s irrelevant

**red emperor:** we’re going to die in that forest, aren’t we?

**distinguished bi:** likeliness out of 10?

**distinguished bi:** 7.5/10 chance we get completely lost

**bubblegum bitch:** numbers don’t control me

**uwo:** mari i hope you live up to your name because we all might die without you

**forest spirit:** oh..

**forest spirit:** i’ve never really liked camping

**bubblegum bitch:** well lads i don’t know about u, but i’m gonna start writing my will

**bubblegum bitch:** it’ll be long, hormonal and dramatic, ending with me leaving a boot and a pack of crayons to my dearest friend, marianne, for she will survive this horrific endeavour

**distinguished bi:** i would say lets meet up and plan the trip but instead

**distinguished bi:** let’s meet up so we can co-ordinate our funerals!! :D

**bubblegum bitch:** this is the kind of positivity we need in this world

**____________________**

**[ please don’t eat tree bark || 10:16am ]**

**[ how to fist-fight seiros added cheese cruncher, highflyer, i am ferdiedand von ego, secretly evanescence?, stabbeonie and eat pant to the group ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** and i’m serious about that, dimitri

**[ how to fist-fight seiros left please don’t eat tree bark ]**

**[ cheese cruncher, eat pant, highflyer, i am ferdiedand von ego and stabbeonie entered please don’t eat tree bark ]**

**cheese cruncher:** it was one time..

**highflyer:** wait you ate tree bark????

**highflyer:** i am getting really concerned for your health

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** aren’t we all

**eat pant:** everybody’s always worried about dimitri’s eating habits we just don’t show it

**stabbeonie:** because we try to be distantly supportive?

**eat pant:** no cause we suck and want to watch the world burn

**stabbeonie:** understandable

**cheese cruncher:** i suppose it makes sense in the long run

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** understandable have a nice day

**highflyer:** ignoring dimitri’s concerning habits and health problems

**highflyer:** is this literally everyone except for hubert

**stabbeonie:** yeah

**stabbeonie:** honestly i’m just glad we didn’t get dumped with wowenz

**eat pant:** poow innocent wowenz, going into the big scawy fowest aww awone because evewybody weft him behind because he’s that fucking annoying

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** how much to you wanna bet we’re gonna see him tied to a tree

**highflyer:** 500g and a block of cheese

**cheese cruncher:** ingrid please don’t steal my cheese

**highflyer:** omg so sorry

**highflyer:** two blocks of cheese smh i’m such a fool

**eat pant:** can i bet half of my lifespan

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** of course

**cheese cruncher:** i mean, it is very likely we’ll find him at some point

**cheese cruncher:** it’s reasonable to think that he’ll be in a tree if claude is in his group

**cheese cruncher:** so i will bet 3000g

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** is that all we are betting on this lovely day folks

**[ secretly evanescence? enter please don’t eat tree bark ]**

**secretly evanescence?:** i shall bet an evening with lady edelgard- we were planning to share an afternoon tea and walk when we returned

**secretly evanescence?:** if lorenz is not in a tree by sundown, i shall put him there myself

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** thank you hubert, for both your contribution and your offer

**highflyer:** we all appreciate that you would put lorenz in a tree

**eat pant:** so would everyone else

**secretly evanescence?:** if that is all we needed to discuss, i shall be taking my leave

**[ secretly evanescence? left please don’t eat tree bark ]**

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** as you can all tell, hubert is an enigma and will only be available on the fiftieth full moon of the century on the exact second the spring equinox begins 

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** he will never respond at any other time 

**[ secretly evanescence? entered please don’t eat tree bark ]**

**secretly evanescence?:** fuck you 

**[ secretly evanescence? left please don’t eat tree bark ]**

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i suppose that moment was special to him 

**highflyer:** hubert couldn’t pass up the chance to say fuck 

**eat pant:** none of us can pass up the chance to say fuck 

**cheese cruncher:** i could 

**highflyer:** yes dimitri we know 

**cheese cruncher:** i simply wanted to establish my differing opinion on the matter 

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** you won’t say fuck but you bet 3000g on lorenz being in a tree 

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** i respect that 

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** what a brave man 

**cheese cruncher:** thank you, ferdinand 

**stabbeonie:** i’m sorry are you implying the dimitri is a mad lad 

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** well would you look at the time it’s no shit o’clock 

**highflyer:** oh my god 

**cheese cruncher:** a mad lad? i didn’t think i was angry at this moment, do i come off that way? 

**eat pant:** somehow it’s getting worse 

**stabbeonie:** dimitri how are you from this era 

**highflyer:** dimitri’s secretly a time traveller

**highflyer:** a boomer in disguise

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** did you mean: seteth

**eat pant:** i hope you fucking die

**i am ferdiedand von ego:** oh same

**____________________**

**[ wowenz won’t save you || 10:19am ]**

**[ how to fist-fight seiros added lord of memeville, wowenz hewwman gwoucestew, sweet lil dandelion, ocean girl, foolish thot and i’ve been impaled to the group ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** if lorenz does anything out of line, you all have my permission to deck him into next week

**[ how to fist-fight seiros left wowenz won’t save you ]**

**[ wowenz hewwman gwoucestew, lord of memeville, foolish thot, i’ve been impaled, ocean girl and sweet lil dandelion entered wowenz won’t save you now ]**

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** how rude to assume i would do such a thing

**sweet lil dandelion:** ..is him existing out of line??

**lord of memeville:** yes it is bernie we must quickly gather

**lord of memeville:** with the power of teamwork, we can uppercut him so hard he explodes

**ocean girl:** does that truly work? you have brought me curiosity now

**foolish thot:** hey when it’s wowenz anything’ll work

**foolish thot:** i’m sure felix could kill him in one punch ;)

**i’ve been impaled:** i’ll gladly test that theory on you, sylvain

**foolish thot:** duly noted

**sweet lil dandelion:** please don’t kill each other!!!

**ocean girl:** yes, the only one we may hunt like prey will be lorenz!

**ocean girl:** my apologies, i meant wowenz

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** will i ever live this name down?

**lord of memeville:** no, next question

**foolish thot:** can we gather in the remains of wowenz’ home for each meeting

**lord of memeville:** amazing question the answer is yes

**i’ve been impaled:** can we just bury wowenz outside of his house

**lord of memeville:** pure genius right there

**lord of memeville:** we should all take notes who knows when we might need this genius

**ocean girl:** i will indeed remember this

**ocean girl:** wowenz shall remain in far distance from me at all times, or i shall be the cause for house 16’s destruction

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** do you all hate me

**sweet lil dandelion:** kind of

**ocean girl:** it is much fun to bully you

**lord of memeville:** i like watching your ego burn

**foolish thot:** honestly forgot who you were for like three months

**i’ve been impaled:** you have no idea how much i want to see you fail

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** well no, i knew you hated me

**i’ve been impaled:** i’m passionate about how much i despise your entire existence

**foolish thot:** he called you bowlcut triangle bitch for the three months i couldn’t remember your name

**lord of memeville:** bowlcut triangle bitch

**lord of memeville:** i’ll remember that one

**ocean girl:** i will be remembering that name as well!

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** i feel like this will all catch up to me in five years time

**lord of memeville:** you have no fucking idea buddy boy

**sweet lil dandelion:** don’t you mean bowlcut bitch?

**foolish thot:** bowlcut TRIANGLE bitch

**i’ve been impaled:** triangle is a pinnacle part of the name

**wowenz hewwman gwoucestew:** fuck all of you

**i’ve been impaled:** fuck off purple bowlcut triangle bitch who buys his makeup from a knock off mary kay

**lord of memeville:** wowenz i thought you had standards

**foolish thot:** mary kay is bad enough but a knock off mary kay??

**foolish thot:** now THAT is an achievement

**____________________**

**[ ferdinand’s canyon gang || 10:21am ]**

**[ how to fist-fight seiros added where’s my bed, chaotic gremlin, street smarts, flower king, munchables and arrowman to the group ]**

**how to fist-fight seiros:** for some reason i feel like you’re all gonna survive this without my brilliant guidance so we good bro

**[ how to fist-fight seiros left ferdinand’s canyon gang ]**

**[ chaotic gremlin, street smarts, flower king, munchables and arrowman entered ferdinand’s canyon gang ]**

**munchables:** i can’t even deny that cause we’ve got TWO GREAT COOKS!!!

**munchables:** and my good buddies are here too!

**arrowman:** yes, i suppose we will do quiet well in the forest :)

**the flower king:** i am sure we will be fine

**the flower king:** i cannot say the same for the others, however

**chaotic gremlin:** well yeah one of them has good ol wowenz

**street smarts:** that’s a rather terrifying thought

**street smarts:** honestly, i’m glad there’s only one of him

**chaotic gremlin:** who knows babe he could have a secret clone

**arrowman:** who in any state of mind would make that happen?

**munchables:** probably lorenz

**arrowman:** you got me there

**the flower king:** i think lorenz is more the type to destroy his clone because he is the perfect model

**street smarts:** lorenz is the clone

**chaotic gremlin:** i’m in shock

**street smarts:** would that explain why you’re hugging me tighter now?

**chaotic gremlin:** maybe

**street smarts:** i guess i’ll have to shock you more then 💕

**chaotic gremlin:** :D 💕

**munchables:** gays really are the people that bring us all together!

**the flower king:** that explains why so many of us get along so well

**arrowman:** the gay bond?

**chaotic gremlin:** the twink bond

**street smarts:** two types of people

**chaotic gremlin:** that’s the garreg mach gays for you

**chaotic gremlin:** disastrous and at least 50% twink

**munchables:** sounds fun though!

**arrowman:** oh it is! :)

**munchables:** well i’m happy for all of you!! :D

**chaotic gremlin:** ◕ ◡ ◕

**street smarts:** (◠‿◠✿)

**the flower king:** we all are, raphael

**the flower king:** ^‿^

**street smarts:** adorable

**chaotic gremlin:** see we got the good gang!

**street smarts:** i’m happy we did!

**arrowman:** we all are

**arrowman:** after all, lorenz would make this far less enjoyable!

**the flower king:** he always does

**the flower king:** it’s in his nature

**____________________**

**[ house of horrors || 12:35pm ]**

**i amn litle creacher:** professor, why am i not in any of the groups?

**how to fist-fight seiros:** because seteth would definitely break somebody’s legs if they said one word that sounds at all suspicious

**how to fist-fight seiros:** by someone i mean sylvain

**foolish thot:** that’s fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ey for all u fine fellas iM SO SORRY IVE BEEN DEAD :((((
> 
> I’LL GET BACK TO MY SHIT SOON I PROMISE IT JUST TAKES A WHILE


	9. :((

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof i’ll get back to this all soon ;(

hey lads i’m sorry it’s taking me so long to write this ;(

i just finished up this school term so hopefully i’ll be able to get the next two chapters out together as a bonus for waiting

i’ll take this down when they’re out so see y’aLL EVENTUALLY

**Author's Note:**

> i haven’t actually played blue lions but i recruited a lot of their members
> 
> i hope they’re somewhat accurate but because they all play minecraft being a little ooc is not my main concern
> 
> i’ll continue being a funnylass in training whilst i write this ;( wink wonk
> 
> more blue lions in the next chapter i just tried to get used to writing everybody this time
> 
> byleth and flayn will show up eventually i swear on my sad little soul


End file.
